November 2011
1 post
Wookin Pa Nub
Dear Emily,
Do you believe in true love? If so, what is it?
Best,
Wookin Pa Nub
Dear Wookin,
Cough once if you know what “imprinting” means. You coughed? Dork.
I really think there is someone for everyone. The definition of what that is varies from person to person, but I believe it is this: someone who makes you laugh until you cry, and won’t annoy the shit out of you...
May 2011
3 posts
Anonymous asked: 나의 이름은?
Dimple-Loving Dude
Dear Emily,
I’m somewhat concerned about my feelings for Paul Rudd. They’re not romantic really, but I would like to bake him a pie. I prefer to sleep with women, so I guess I’m just wondering how gay this makes me.
Sincerely,
Dimple-Loving Dude
Dear Dimple-Loving Dude,
Do you enjoy dicks that aren’t yours? No? Not even a little gay. A better question—who wouldn’t want to see that smooth Paul...
Who has questions?
I have answers.
March 2011
1 post
Ask Emily Thinks Molls Is A Dope Chick →
Since my last post featured bad advice from one of the most vapid bitches on TV, Kris Jenner, I thought it’d be nice to feature some really relevant advice from a Class A lady on the internet, Molls, aka one of my favorite bloggers. The words you are about to read below are wise, intelligent, and speaking from my own experience, 100% true. Keep your chin up and just move on.
New posts from...
February 2011
1 post
January 2011
7 posts
Damn Near Killed 'Em
Dear Emily,
Last night my girlfriend attempted to stuff my testicles into my rectum. We needn’t discuss why I was on all fours and she was behind me in a position to attempt such a maneuver. I don’t know if this particular act has a name, though a colleague did inform me that it is referred to as a dog wash when a gentleman attempts to insert his testicles in a woman’s lady...
tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?
Anonymous asked: dearest emily,
i've recently come to realize i don't know how to make my relationship with my boyfriend work. we are a few years apart in age and can't seem to meet up maturity wise. i love him dearly but i know he's too emotional and dramatic to be friends after a break up. but i still love him and want him around. how do i handle this? right now i'm trying to give...
i've recently come to realize i don't know how to make my relationship with my boyfriend work. we are a few years apart in age and can't seem to meet up maturity wise. i love him dearly but i know he's too emotional and dramatic to be friends after a break up. but i still love him and want him around. how do i handle this? right now i'm trying to give...
Dear Readers,
Comments are now enabled on Ask Emily.
Free speech forever until I don’t like what you write.
Love!
Emily
mollyallenbarbour asked: Dear Emily,
If you worked for a fantastic company for 10 years, grew + bled for this company, loved this company and it's people more than words could express and when this fantastic company hired a complete and total moron with no experience in the industry to run the department who then fired all the strong and passionate pillars of that department, which would include you....
If you worked for a fantastic company for 10 years, grew + bled for this company, loved this company and it's people more than words could express and when this fantastic company hired a complete and total moron with no experience in the industry to run the department who then fired all the strong and passionate pillars of that department, which would include you....
Boob Tubez
Dear Emily,
Why do women have so much trouble using remote controls and other technological devices when it’s usually as easy as pressing a button or two? It drives me bananas.
Sincerely, Boob Tubez
Dear Boob Tubez,
Women are like flowers. Beautiful, delicate flowers that are incapable of operating remotes because they’re too busy looking good and smelling good and cooking you dinner...
December 2010
1 post
Doe-Eyed Deer
Dear Emily,
What’s the deal with love at first sight? Is it legit?
Sincerely,
Doe-Eyed Deer
Dear Doe-Eyed Deer,
Let’s start with a hypothetical situation that probably exactly describes what you’re asking about because I am an expert at understanding and explaining things even when my cat is smushing is handsome little face into mine while I try to do important work like this....
November 2010
1 post
What's Love Got Ta Do With It
Dear Emily,
How do I get my significant other to put out more?
Sincerely,
What’s love got ta do with it?
Dear What’s Love Got Ta Do With It,
Tina? Dat you girl?
I have a nasty cold today and took some heavy medication to relieve myself of this agony so maybe I’m hallucinating. Tomorrow is turkey day, and being honest here, the food is really bland compared to the hardcore flavor...
October 2010
6 posts
Anonymous asked: Dear Emily,
I'm in one of those "You're not my girlfriend but I'm not okay with u makin out with other boys" make believe cake & eat it too relations. I did manage to negotiate a deal where he doesnt get to make out with other floozies either (and for once in my life believe the dude.) As luck would have it, boys are lining up fast but I really only want the...
I'm in one of those "You're not my girlfriend but I'm not okay with u makin out with other boys" make believe cake & eat it too relations. I did manage to negotiate a deal where he doesnt get to make out with other floozies either (and for once in my life believe the dude.) As luck would have it, boys are lining up fast but I really only want the...
alisonyard asked: Dear Emily,
Patreez and I have been thinkin a lot about our fb marriage lately, and we're open to the idea of letting you be married to us also. You in? We'll sorta be like swingers. (Prolly the kind like in the movie though, not the dirty kind).
xoxo,
Yardbird
Patreez and I have been thinkin a lot about our fb marriage lately, and we're open to the idea of letting you be married to us also. You in? We'll sorta be like swingers. (Prolly the kind like in the movie though, not the dirty kind).
xoxo,
Yardbird
Achey Wife
Dear Emily,
How can you train a husband to give you nightly backrubs?
Sincerely,
Achey Wife
Dear Achey Wife,
I’ve never trained a husband to rub my back (not one that was married to me anyway), but I have coaxed many dudes into placing their filthy mitts on my shoulders for a little back secks sesh.
Backrubs are to women what flattery is to men. They both feel good. What I do first is...
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?
Soul-Searching Songbird
Dear Emily,
What would Aretha do?
Sincerely,
Soul-Searching Songbird
Dear Soul-Searching Songbird,
I’ll tell you what Aretha wouldn’t do: she wouldn’t take shit from a man. She’d put him in his place. In song. Like every do-right woman would. You got a dude? He like to get stupid with his friends and prove his manhood by dipping his pickle in the swine brine of...
September 2010
1 post
Fug My Life
Dear Emily,
I’m a single gal looking to date, but I only find people I’m not attracted to everywhere I go in this city. Pretty sure I’ve dated everyone I find good looking, and I’m not saying everyone else is ugly— they’re just ugly to me. Moving is so expensive. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Fug My Life
Dear Fug My Life,
Buy a men’s health magazine....
July 2010
2 posts
Cougartown
Dear Emily,
What are your thoughts on older women/younger men relations? If a gal is say… 31, what is the youngest aged male she should (not could) date?
Sincerely,
Cougartown
Dear Cougartown,
Stella didn’t get her groove back with a pudgy forty five year old. Taye Diggs was a warm slice of cobbler made from barely ripe peaches. He was young. He was fresh. And SadEyesSoulLady ate. Him....
Trying But Not So Cool
Dear Emily,
Why am I so bad at being cool?
Signed,
Trying But Not So Cool
Dear Trying But Not So Cool,
Pardon me while I brag, but I’m kind of an expert on being cool, and staying cool. Especially in this hell of a heat wave we’ve been having. I killed two birds with one stone last week and spent an evening drinking champagne out of the bottle and eating a pb&j in my air...
December 2009
4 posts
Scrooge McDuck
Dear Emily,
Christmas shopping sucks. I hate it. Why do they make us do this shit? Honestly, it’s annoying. If I gave you a budget and a list, would you do my shopping for me? Or do you at least have tips on how to make it a less painful experience?
- Scrooge McDuck
Dear Scrooge McDuck,
You sound like someone who could use a kiss under the mistletoe! While you’re schlepping...
Harriet Lipson
Dear Emily,
Can you recommend a good place to get a bikini wax?
Sincerely,
Harriet Lipson
Dear Harriet Lipson,
Bikini waxes are an excellent way to express yourself. By stripping off your skivvies, you can let your man see some of your personality without uttering a single word. Honestly, they prefer it that way. Are you a conservative blonde? A trim golden triangle will tell him that. How...
Jersey Sucks Balls
Dear Emily,
I think New Jersey is a fucking sucky excuse for a state, but I’m not sure why I think that. I just always have. And I feel like I always will.
Do you hate New Jersey too? Or do you think my hatred is unfounded and it’s time for an attitude adjustment?
Very...
Biggie Smalls
Dear Emily,
Which is worse - a big head, a big nose or a big butt?
Sincerely,
Biggie Smalls
Dear Biggie Smalls,
I’m sitting here sipping on herbal tea called “Raspberry Zinger” hoping it’ll inspire me to write a clever opening line to answer this query. Nope!
This is the way I see it:
If you have a big head, you have a big brain. And hopefully a big bank account...
November 2009
4 posts
Curious Cupid
Dear Emily,
Do you believe in soul mates? Or do you think there is more than one true love to be had in this life?
Also, do you think its possible for a dog and cat to fall in love?
Sincerely,
Curious Cupid
Dear Curious Cupid,
An emphatic “yes” screamed from a mountaintop to your first question. Soulmates exist, romantically and platonically. There are people who are cut from...
Lint Lover
Dear Emily
Why does my belly button have such a weird smell? Its both gross and intoxicating at the same time - a mixture of mold, poop and trash. Now all of these things would normally make me gag, but for some reason I can’t resist sniffing my lint. Do you think there is something wrong with me; both physically and mentally?
Sincerely,
Lint Lover
Dear Lint Lover,
While most people...
Rite Aid Retard
Dear Emily,
I never know which line to stand in at the Rite Aid on Broad Street. There seems to be two scenarios going on at any given visit. Some customers form a pool in the middle of the check out area and the idea is, you just stand in this limbo and then dart to the “next available cashier”. Then there are other who ignore the pool party entirely and boldly choose to form a very...
Moody Tude
Dear Emily,
Ever since we changed the clocks, I have been feeling blue. And hungry. Why do they do this? Its weird and it makes me depressed and fat.
Any tips?
-Moody Tude
Dear Moody Tude,
You sound like someone with a case of the winter SADS. It happens because the days are shorter in the winter when God takes the sun away early to punish us for having too much fun over the summer.
...