09 9 / 2010
Fug My Life
Dear Emily,
I’m a single gal looking to date, but I only find people I’m not attracted to everywhere I go in this city. Pretty sure I’ve dated everyone I find good looking, and I’m not saying everyone else is ugly— they’re just ugly to me. Moving is so expensive. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Fug My Life
Dear Fug My Life,
Buy a men’s health magazine. The one with the guys with the big, sweaty muscles on the cover. Roll it up. And beat yourself with it.
Why bother torturing yourself? You don’t set up camp in Little Italy when your go-to food is Japanese. It’s counter productive. I usually like to reference classic romantic comedies to make a point, but I feel like switching up my cultural comparisons.
To quote Sir Lewis Allan Reed, “You know what they say about honey bears when you shave off all their baby hair? You have a hairy minded pink bare bear.”
Also: “I do believe, if you don’t like things you leave. For some place you never gone before.” He went on to softly croon, “Pa papa papa papa. Pa papa papa papa. Pa papa papa papa. Pa papa papa papa,” because he had daddy issues. You know?
Skip town, Sweet Jane! If you want to spend a perfect day with someone exploring your velvet underground, take a walk on the wild side somewhere else. Otherwise you might find yourself waiting for your man with twenty six dollars in your hand forever.
MANifest destiny!
Emily
