ASK EMILY

And now for something a little different… an Ask Emily “How To”

#1 How To Be A Wingman When You’re Not A Man

You ladies who stand by your ladies in an effort to help them get: a phone number, laid, a husband, an unplanned trip to the OBGYN, a missed connection post, a moment of seduction, are called what? Wingwomen? When you’re doing Goose, does Maverick playfully squeeze your tush and thank you for being her best Winglady like in that movie about gay fighter pilots? Whatever the terminology may be, the rules for this role are slightly different when you have a vajay and we’re going to go over them. Together. Because we are women and we are all about togetherness and holding in our farts. 

Step One: Agree to it because no cats!

If a friend asks you to wingman for her, you should comply for several reasons: 1) you shouldn’t be home with your cats all the time, 2) reason #1. Recently a friend asked me to be her courting copilot and I said, jah cool great because my cats have really been grinding my gears lately. Plus, it can be a good opportunity to meet some fresh faces, especially if you’re the kind of gal who prefers to do the dead man’s float in the tepid waters of the dating pool rather than get in a few solid breast strokes here and there.  

Step Two: Read books not Perez Hildummy

Adjectives! Adjectives! Adjectives! You want to elevate your friend’s status in the eyes of her romantic pursuit? Use your verbal jazz hands to show excitement! Enthusiasm! And intelligence! when describing your super great, gorgeous, talented, funny, smart, strong, confident bestie! Rip some flowery, poetic language from a well-respected chick lit book, like a Bronte novel. Doesn’t matter which one because who cares? Also say things like “I would totally date her if ever we both started to like girls,” and “This little lady shines like the biggest, brightest diamond at a Mainline mixer. Which is fucking H-U-G-E if you need it spelled out for you.” Remember, sometimes your friends pick brawn over brains and that’s O-K because more nerds for me!

Step Three: Shut up

Last and final step and probably the most important one. Any good sports coach will tell you that the only rule you need to remember is awareness. Have it. It’s your job to assist in this scenario so you need to pay attention to what’s going on around you. If you keep yapping on about your friend, she isn’t going to get a chance to score. After a successful ally oop, take a step back and do what’s expected of you: talk to the really interesting friend who’s totally into you and would probably make for a pretty awesome companion if you gave him a chance even though he’s far too emotionally available to be your type (birds of a guarded feather flock together).

Fly high, Wingbabies! Or stay home and get high and watch your cats bat around a ball of yarn.