22 10 / 2010
Achey Wife
Dear Emily,
How can you train a husband to give you nightly backrubs?
Sincerely,
Achey Wife
Dear Achey Wife,
I’ve never trained a husband to rub my back (not one that was married to me anyway), but I have coaxed many dudes into placing their filthy mitts on my shoulders for a little back secks sesh.
Backrubs are to women what flattery is to men. They both feel good. What I do first is act real whiney… in a “sexy” way. Once my guy’s been successfully tricked into starting a solid rubdown, I make sure to provide plenty of completely genuine adoration for his skill.
Here’s how it goes:
EMILY: Oooohhhhh godddddd. My shoulders are sooooooooo sore. And sexy.
DUDE: Well hey there little lady. Allow me to place my big, strong, sexual hands on your shoulders and work out all your knots to prove how big and strong and sexual I am.
[dude commences backrub]
EMILY: OHHHH MYYYY GODDDDDDD. THIS FEELS SOOOOOO GOOD.
DUDE: Wow. I never knew I was so good at giving backrubs!
EMILY: YES! YES! YOU ARE AMAZING AT THIS! WOW! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME HOW GOOD YOU ARE AT THIS!
DUDE: Looks like I’ll have to give you backrubs all the time now since I’m the best at giving backrubs in the entire world.
EMILY: Yep.
That’s basically it. When your man’s done, remember to roll over on your side and fall asleep right away because you’re so relaxed and way too tired to have intercourse.
Yahtzee!
Emily
