ASK EMILY

Rite Aid Retard

Dear Emily,

I never know which line to stand in at the Rite Aid on Broad Street. There seems to be two scenarios going on at any given visit. Some customers form a pool in the middle of the check out area and the idea is, you just stand in this limbo and then dart to the “next available cashier”. Then there are other who ignore the pool party entirely and boldly choose to form a very distinguished line of their own.  I always feel conflicted whether to go rogue or join the party.

Help, please.

-Rite Aid Retard

Dear Rite Aid Retard,

Let me ask you this: are you going to marry Mr. Blue Impala and graze around with all the other sheep for the rest of your life? Don’t follow the misguided actions of others. Skip the clear cut lines and clumsy clusters altogether — show Center City that you have the cajones to think for yourself.

The solution is very clear and it works for almost every possible drugstore purchase: improvise your way to the front of the pack. If you’re buying a box of tampons, cut in front of everyone and wave the box wildly around your head while crying, “THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!” If you’re buying a box of condoms, cut in front of everyone and grind the goods against your pelvis while cooing, “I’ve been waiting my whoooooooole life for this moment.” If you’re buying an umbrella, dance around the store and poke everyone in the butt while singing, “Chim Chim Cher-ee.”

By now you should be picking up what I’m putting down. If not, go ahead and shoplift, dummy.

Gatorade!

Emily