ASK EMILY

Biggie Smalls

Dear Emily,

Which is worse - a big head, a big nose or a big butt?

Sincerely,

Biggie Smalls

Dear Biggie Smalls,

I’m sitting here sipping on herbal tea called “Raspberry Zinger” hoping it’ll inspire me to write a clever opening line to answer this query. Nope!

This is the way I see it:

If you have a big head, you have a big brain. And hopefully a big bank account so you can pay people to hang out with you, Frankenstein.

If you have a big nose, you have my tongue down your throat. That’s right, Ichabod — girls like me find large noses more attractive than a free cheese platter covered in melted chocolate. As for you large-schnozzed Senoritas, you’re probably incredibly striking but don’t let my glasses fool you. Not a lezzy!

If you have a big butt, you have a big problem. Too many options! People with shapely shitters have to beat ‘em off with a stick.

In summation, big head = freakish, friendless loser who probably has to special order hats online from some smelly girl on Etsy who uses watermelons to get the size right.

Zing!

Emily