ASK EMILY

Dear Emily,

I think New Jersey is a fucking sucky excuse for a state, but I’m not sure why I think that. I just always have. And I feel like I always will.

Do you hate New Jersey too? Or do you think my hatred is unfounded and it’s time for an attitude adjustment?

Very Truly Yours,

Jersey Sucks Balls

Dear Jersey Sucks Balls,

Great question. It’s always ignorant to make generalizations, but as I type this, there are a tremendous amount of balls being sucked in New Jersey. Why? The government.

I consider myself somewhat of a history buff, and if you recall correctly, early U.S. leaders shipped our worst criminals to Australia where they were free to wrestle crocodiles and get their rocks off with Linda Kozlowski. Those are the only two things criminals like to do according to my penpal, Ramon.

Unfortunately, the budget for Australian Rehabilitation was cut in 1982 when Reagan allocated funds to a tv miniseries called “Doggie Doodies!” His Bouvier des Flandres, Lucy, played the part of Nancy and his King Charles Cavalier Spaniel, Rex, was cast as Ronald. Some critics say Reagan took liberties with his presidential responsibilities, but that’s what you get when you hire an actor to play the lead role in President of the United States!

In a risky move, the government developed a new plan for the relocation of misplaced lawbreakers and chose the state of New Jersey, which was largely undeveloped at the time. In 1983, the state’s name was changed to New Australia as we know it today. It may lack crocs, but Linda Kozlowski became a resident in the late 80s. Hope this clears things up for you.

Cheesebawls!

Emily