ASK EMILY

Damn Near Killed ‘Em

Dear Emily,

Last night my girlfriend attempted to stuff my testicles into my rectum. We needn’t discuss why I was on all fours and she was behind me in a position to attempt such a maneuver. I don’t know if this particular act has a name, though a colleague did inform me that it is referred to as a dog wash when a gentleman attempts to insert his testicles in a woman’s lady parts. But that’s neither here nor there, what i really want to know is: should i file 1040ez or long form? it is tax season you know.

Sincerely,

Damn Near Killed ‘Em

Dear Damn Near Killed ‘Em,

I know as much about taxes as I do about that weird butt thing you were doing up there: diddly shit. What I do know is how to ask my dad to file them for me (the taxes, not testies…GROSS). It goes like this:

EMILY: Dad. Will you file my taxes for me?

DAD: Sure. And here’s $50 to spend on extravagant salads at lunch this week.

Doing your taxes is the best, isn’t it? Tossed salad for everyone!

Refund!

Emily