ASK EMILY

Trying But Not So Cool

Dear Emily, 

Why am I so bad at being cool?

Signed,

Trying But Not So Cool

Dear Trying But Not So Cool,

Pardon me while I brag, but I’m kind of an expert on being cool, and staying cool. Especially in this hell of a heat wave we’ve been having. I killed two birds with one stone last week and spent an evening drinking champagne out of the bottle and eating a pb&j in my air conditioned bedroom while the classic 2005 RyRy Reynolds romcom, Just Friends, lit up my powerbook. My outfit du jour? Aerie brand underpants and a leather jacket straight from Italy. Just because I could. I was like Fonzy in a meat locker. 

Enough about my credentials. What’s up with you being so lame? You got friends? Check your Facebook. How many friends do you have? If it’s less than 500, that’s pretty much like having no friends at all. Here’s my advice and it comes straight from another cinematic gem, Grease. Remember when Sandy gets dumped by Zeuko and all his greaser friends cos she’s a prude in a hoop skirt who talks funny so she puffs up her hair, cakes on hooker makeup and dons an all-black ensemble that shows off all the assets she barely has while smoking a cigarette? That’s what you have to do. Sandy got super cool and won Danny and all his slutty friends back by completely changing who she was and shedding any trace of her authentic Australian integrity. They got in a hot rod that FLEW into the AIR while he put his hand near her meat locker and she pretended to enjoy it. Talk about elevation. 

You’re welcome to borrow my leather jacket any time you want. Also, John Travolta is gay.

Rizzo!

Emily